I ugly cried yesterday.
Yesterday we got the call that, on Tuesday, my husband will have much-needed surgery on his herniated disc. I ugly cried. Have you ever ugly cried? The kind you can't stop? I cried so hard I was unable to ask the nurse important questions like when and where. When I was composed, I called her back to get the details.
I think I cried because it has been hard. So. Hard. I cried for joy for him. I cried in sadness for me. It was more pent-up sadness that I had to watch him suffer and couldn't do anything about it. Knowing I had to keep it together for him, not wanting to let him know it was hard on me, too, even though my hard seemed ridiculously less hard than his. Perhaps I cried selfishly that I had to be the caregiver to 6 people, single parenting most of the time, being activities director during the summer. This was hard, so, selfishly I cried. I cried because I knew we were nearing the end. Hopefully. I cried because I knew Father had planned this and was loving on us.
This man of mine has endured so much pain for 5 months now. The level of herniation of his disc was severe, we were told. This fluid pushing on his nerves in the most obtrusive ways. He has been a silent sufferer but his lack of mobility combined with his gut-wrenching pain and lack of sleep is heart-breaking to watch.
We've tried everything including anti-inflammatory diet, injections, chiropractic care, physical therapy, acoustic compressions. He continues to decline.
So we are thankful for surgeons and opening of schedules and the hope of healing and sunny days.
I think when life is challenging for a season, you learn to see blessings in little things.
When my husband eats only (some) veggies and chicken, he says how he would love a piece of fruit; how good that would taste. Yet when we have fruit overflowing in bowls (and can eat them) they are just another piece of functional food.
When the only time he isn't in excruciating pain is when he is standing, you learn to have simple dates by going for long walks together.
When my husband has shown himself to be a gracious long-suffering man, you learn, once again, that those amazing strong qualities I see in this man is what made me fall in love with him 22 years ago. Life is funny that way.
UPDATE: His surgery went well and he is healing nicely, sleeping well and eating more than just (some) veggies. We are so thankful that we have him "back."
What are some little blessings that you need to be thankful for?
I was out of commission for over three months when a fun ski trip turned disastrous. I watched my husband cope with all of this as he struggles himself with a neurological disorder. I spent 5 weeks in hospital and 8 weeks on visiting nurse care. You learn to appreciate: beautiful views from a window, a good cup of coffee, home cooked meals, visitors who just love and don’t judge, clean laundry, a quiet atmosphere, Netflix, and a faithful, purring cat who never touches your bokwn leg.